DUBIOUS ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS

The following were printed in the Daily Express giving Gongs
for Dubious Distinctions. Whether true or not - no-one knows,
but they're quite good anyway.

TORTOISE TROPHY - British Rail
For ingeniously solving the problem of lateness in the InterCity
schedule by redefining "on time" to include trains arriving
within one hour of schedule.

RUBBER CUSHION - John Bloor
For mistaking a tube of superglue for his haemorrhoid cream and
glueing his buttocks together.

CRIMEWATCH CUP

GOLD STAR - Henry Smith
Arrested moments after returning home with a stolen stereo. His
error was having his name tattoed on his forehead in large
capital letters. His lawyer told the court: "My client is not a
very bright young man."

SILVER STAR - Michael Robinson
Rang police to deliver a bomb threat, but became so agitated
about the mounting cost of the phone call that he began screaming
"Call me back!" and left his phone number.

BRONZE STAR - Paul Monkton
Used for a getaway vehicle a van with his name and phone number
painted on the side in foot-high letters.

BRITISH CUP - Passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to
                                                   Victoria...
Who averted their eyes whilst John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy
engaged in oral sex and then moved on to full intercourse,
but complained when the pair lit up post-coital cigarretes
in a non-smoking compartment.

FLYING CROSS - Percy the Pigeon
Who arrived in a Sheffield loft after beating 1000 rivals in a
500 mile race, to be immediately eaten by a cat. The 90-minute
delay resulting from finding his remains and handing his ID tag
to the judges resulted in his relegation from first to third
place.

LAZARUS LAUREL - Julia Carson
As her tearful family gathered around her coffin in a New York
funeral parlour, she sat bolt upright and asked what the hell
was going on. Celebrations were short-lived, due to the fact
that her daughter immediately died from shock.

SILVER BULLET - Marino Malerba
A poacher who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging
rock, and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

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